i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
