You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
