my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
