is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
