I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize