I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
They have beer where we have blood.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
