I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
