I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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