bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
