when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
what day is it and did you see me today?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
