That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
