I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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