I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
