the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
