I am puke
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
