This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
