I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize