i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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