The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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