this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
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Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
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He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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