i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
