If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
