you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
