Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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