I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
