sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
