Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize