the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
