I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
