the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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