I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
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