You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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