Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
