I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
