I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
