Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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