You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
