My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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