Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
