I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
