11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
