She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
