Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I lost the right to judge tonight
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
