wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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