Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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