I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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