We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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