i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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