um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
