i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
