I just pynch a tree in the face
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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