I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
