careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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