2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
