there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
