I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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