So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
