i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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