Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
So vagazzling was a success
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
